is it spring yet??

cuz its freezing 

Its been a while since I've posted, I was waiting for something good to happen. I only have about 20 minutes to post so I'm not going to edit. Pure free flowing thought. 

So I cried at clinic twice this week. I know it was unprofessional of me, and I tried to stop myself, but the questions "are you ok? are you sad?" are my triggers. I can point to specific things that upset me.

• The first time I was trying to explain to my friend Diego quietly at lunch that my Chilean family doesn't talk to me and when they do its only to scold me or remind me of how to do things around the house. They frequently and actively say to each other right (in front of me) that I can't understand them. I was told that my 1.5 years of trying vegetarianism were done incorrectly if I gained weight and ended up needing to be a omnivore for energy purposes. I'm an alien in their house. Isolated from the center of town without a car. I often tip-toe around so no one hears me. I get comments about my room not being clean, but its small without a bookcase. The lovely Dr. Valenzuela who I'm working with overheard my whispers and asked later if I was sad. Waterworks.
  
• The second time I was trying to do an intake with a couple who hadn't done their lab work before the appointment. The doctor had left the room to take care of administrative things knowing Diego and I could manage, but Diego was bored on his phone, and there was nothing I could do from a management perspective without knowing the patients' numbers. I tried to conduct interviews but the patients didn't understand me, Diego was encouraging the patients to answer their phones instead of answering my questions, there was a landline ringing next to me, nurses and Dr. Valenzuela were running in and out of the room doing administrative things, and the patients had illegible medical records (why won't the computer accept my prescription for donperidona? because its spelled domperidona.) I was overwhelmed and fed up with trying. It was noticeable. When the patients left, I was asked if I was okay. Waterworks. 

Even though I cry in front of the doctors, I keep being told that my feelings are legitimate, that homesickness is okay, that it takes time, its a process. The validation is beautiful, the support is desperately needed. I find solace in my runs after work! I discovered a lovely little hill that gives me a view of the Andes! If I had a car, I wouldn't have gone passed the hill! I bet the family doesn't even know its there with all that time they spend indoors and in cars.  I know that I leave Talca soon to go live and work with OBGYNs in Linares in about 2 weeks. I will be closer to chilean friends there and we can finally get coffee or beers and chat after work!! 

Anyway, on the upswing!!!! I'm going to Santiago today for a 3 day All-Womans Ultimate Frisbee Tourney!! So excited to run around and explore! Smell fresh trees! Be in the sun! Eat a lot of apples! Chase down plastic discs! Its gonna be great :) Hopelessly optimistic about this weekend. See you all on the other side.